What No One Tells You About Being A Dad #81

You think that's a pregnancy test? It's not. I'll explain...

The baby industrial complex demands you buy all kinds of shit you've never heard of, that you'll soon be told you can't live without. Unfortunately the stuff you really need is never passed on to you because no dad remembers.

Why?

Well, your dad has been out of the game for thirty years. He only remembers three things about your childhood:

1) The time you puked on his head.
2) The time you walked in seven runs in little league.
3) Something that happened to your brother that he's confusing with you.

Meanwhile, the guys who are three months to three years ahead of you in this new dad thing remember even less. They're so sleep deprived that they're walking around like Guy Pierce in Memento. There's really only one thing each new dad can remember outside the last fifteen minutes of his life, and that's the exact number of days in his incredible Cal Ripken style no sex streak.

With that in mind, here's one thing no one tells you to buy that you actually need:

A Secret Thermometer. For you.

Pete, my brother-in-law called this to my attention today because last night he thought he had a fever. The second he said this, I knew exactly what the problem was.

Soon, you will too. Because here's what's going to happen:

You'll wake up in the middle of the night and be sick. You think you have a fever. (This is what happens to people who never sleep and live with ten pound germ buckets.) No problem, right? Whip out the thermometer and take your temperature. In fact, at first glance, it seems easier now because with a baby in the house, you have a minimum of five thermometers in the drawer.

There's the old thermometer you've always had. There's the thermometer that your wife bought for the baby. There's a thermometer from each grandmother. There's a bonus thermometer from some lady your wife works with.

But they all look exactly the same and they've all been up your baby's ass.

Or, most of them have been up your baby's ass.

If you didn't know, you know now... babies have their temperatures checked rectally. Not under the tongue. Not under the arm. It gets lubed up and slipped in the back door.

So, maybe there's one fresh, unused thermometer in the lot, but again, they all look the same.

Your options are:

A) Play Russian Roulette with the thermometers.
B) Make a CVS run at 1am and buy a sixth thermometer.

My advice is the day you get that shiny ultrasound printout is the day you buy your own secret thermometer. Also, just to be safe, you should purchase a Sharpie and write, "NOT FOR ASSES. MOUTH USE ONLY" directly on the case. (Pete actually did this.)

Then hide the secret thermometer somewhere where your wife will never think to look, like, next to the condoms.